#3

home life, 

living at home, 

is exactly the same as it has always been.

My dad 

still fixes up the house every weekend.

he still

finds ways to slip me 20s and cover the small things.

he

tries so hard to let me live like some kind of upper-class kid

without me realizing it.

"no dad, i'll ride the bus i don't want to drive."

"i like goodwill dad."

 see, he grew up poor

with only a mother too afraid to let anyone see

she was afraid.

he still

tries so hard to make everyone happy that he to often

forgets about himself

which in turn makes me

pretty damn sad.

I wish he could realize how good of a parent he is,

and that no matter how hard he tries,

he can't make up for the 42 years

his dad has been gone.

My mother

still mirrors my grandmother with every passing day.

she is

always on her feet, doing something for someone.

and if you're sitting nearby, 

she'll bring you a bowl of pretzels without you asking.

she's always

thinking about anything related to her children

and

as much as i want her to be wrong,

she's usually right about lots of things.

she's 

fucking good at her job,

to raise money for a small college.

i saw her speak to some people she works with and 

she can talk to anybody.

she'd probably bring saddam hussein a bowl of pretzels 

if he was sitting in the next room.

my sister 

is different from me,

which makes giving her life advice,

which i'm supposed to give her,

hard.

she's still struggling

with her health,

with being overweight,

with making friends,

with picking which high school to attend.

see, i don't think she even knows

what kind of people she wants as friends,

and i sure as hell don't know.

my mom might.

her friends don't really call

and she plays it off as though 

when i get back in town, we'll hang out

but we never really did.

and she goes through hobbies

to keep herself out of boredom.

i see my father and mother struggling 

with my sister on so many fronts.

to keep her self esteem up.

to distract her mind

from pain.

i want to help so bad,

but anything i offer is only temporary 

because things will change

and i will leave.

and i can't say when i will be back 

for sure.

 

my mom leaned over to me in church yesterday

and said she was glad i was able to be home.

that's when it struck me that i was somewhere,

but i don't know if i would call it home.